Polish

Things I have been doing while somewhat stuck in between-school-and-school ennui:

1. Experience Yale-NUS

This happened in the weekend of 12-13 May and it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. I enjoyed going to all my classes (in particular the literature class on Borges) and meeting new people, and it made me actually really excited to be going back to school. The amount of effort and resources (both intellectual and material) going into this venture really astounds me, and I would fully recommend that anyone in Singapore interested in a liberal arts education apply for this. Forget all the hoo-ha about the Yale faculty resolution, forget the cynicism that studying locally isn't as "fun" or exciting, forget the mentality that it doesn't live up to "the real thing" (I've heard this said before and it irks me quite a bit). To be honest, I am super-excited that this kind of progressive, innovative education is being offered as an option in Singapore. And how I wish I could go down both roads diverging in my yellow wood!

Unfortunately, though, I had to muster up the courage to decline the Yale-NUS offer (including a 4-year full scholarship, and a double degree programme with NUS Law), and so, the finality remains that I'm headed to Princeton! I definitely wish I could get the best of both worlds, but I guess a decision had to be made, and I'm just not looking back. The finality is quite frightening, though. I've been applying for my visa and getting my Princeton netID and logging in and checking everything out and - there's no turning back, now. I know I'm going to be challenged, stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone a lot over these next 4 years. A big part of me is scared, but I feel also - excitement, the thrill of the unknown, and a kind of comfort that God will be watching over me as I go forward.

2. Joyce Carol Oates' A Fair Maiden

So, Oates is one of the profs teaching at Princeton's Creative Writing department, and I'm pretty eager to check out these professors' books before I actually go there (so that I can fangirl suitably if necessary, and stalk them for autographs). I didn't quite like this book, though. A reviewer (from Guardian, I think) commented that it seemed to imitate Nabokov's Lolita and fell short, and I can see it from that point of view, but my main gripe was just that it came across as somewhat cliched and amateurish in the sense that it tried to bring together fairy tale, modern girl psyche and semi-Gothic elements, but the combination didn't work out well for me. I realised that it's one of her less-acclaimed works, though, so I'll try reading other works of hers soon.

3. Nick Hornby's High Fidelity

Unfortunately (fortunately for him), Nick Hornby isn't a Princeton prof. But I enjoyed this book - I finally got around to reading it after being reminded of it by someone at Experience Yale-NUS - but I enjoyed it in an easy-reading way, not really blown away by anything. He's a great observer, though, and fleshes out his characters very well, and I liked the mixture of wry humour, self-deprecation and the overtone of the #firstworldproblems aspect of modern life.

4. Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies

This was one of the best collections of short stories I've ever read. Short stories are nice in that they go by very quickly and are nicely segmented so you don't get lost midway when you have to stop reading and get off the train, but sometimes it works against itself because I forget the first story by the time I read the last. This tendency lessened considerably when I read this book, though. I love the unpredictability of her stories, and the subtlety with which she executes them - a subtlety that makes the endings all the more surprising (even if the story ends with nothing happening, as it does in quite a few cases). Those who know me well will know that I'm a sucker for emotion in books but only if it's emotion that isn't overwrought or obvious, and Interpreter of Maladies definitely succeeded in making me feel weepy in the right way, so yes. Will be looking out for more of her books.

It's funny because I thought I was tiring of all the postcolonial, cultural displacement, immigrant diaspora, etc etc kind of theme already, but then comes along this book and I realize that no two cases of displacement are actually the same. And I think that this is an important realization.

It's true that reading and mulling over too much of the same kind of themes will kill interest. I entered RG having a pretty strong interest in feminism and women's issues and, having gone round and round in arguments regarding these issues during Lit/English/free-time-intellectual discussions (oh, we were RG girls all right), I exited it feeling markedly less passionate about gender roles and whether gender was a physical or social construct. This is not to say that I feel any less strongly about gender equality, but rather that I got tired of arguing about how the media portrays women and about the difference between "gender" and "sex" and tired of accusing male writers of misogyny.

Similarly, I entered IB having a pretty strong interest in postcolonial theory, Orientalism, etc etc, and luckily/unluckily for me, IB English LOVES texts with postcolonial slants and the abovementioned ideas of cross-culture, hybridity, etc etc, and so I began to get tired of these themes... and I somewhat pitied white/Western writers because any hint of negativity they showed in the portrayal of Asian/Middle-Eastern/"Other" cultures could be grounds for accusations of Orientalism, white supremacist attitudes, so on so forth.

But there's a problem with the way I've been thinking and the indifferent, somewhat bored attitude I've been taking towards theories like feminism and postcolonialism. The problem is that I've oversimplified the theories (definitely, I've ignored the fluidity and complexities and possible debates in these fields of study), and I've oversimplified people and their stories. I looked at two instances of immigrants in a foreign land and assumed that they felt the same thing, that their circumstances were identical, that the same theory applied to them the same way. Clearly this does not work out in real life, and I'm glad that Interpreter of Maladies showed me this. All along I've been thinking that I know enough, when actually I know so little.

5. Visit to my grandma in Malaysia

Last Saturday my parents and I drove up to Malaysia to visit my grandma who just had what we suspect is a minor stroke (very minor, thank God). My cousin and his fiancee came along and it was a good trip, I think, long hours on the road and some worry about my grandma's health but it was good to be with family. My grandma is recuperating now - she was much thinner and weaker than I remember her (just a few months ago, she was staying with us), but at least she's mobile, and lucid. Thank God that my 2nd aunt and uncle are there to take care of her, and they're two of the kindest people I know. It's very sobering, though, to see her like this, and coupled with the news that my grandfather (on the other side of the family) had a fall just a few days ago, this has made me think a lot about what will happen when my parents grow older, and about ageing in general. Anyway, I would really appreciate it if any of you reading this could keep my grandparents in your prayers.

Mom remarked that young people nowadays think about the future much more than those of her generation (they mainly drifted into things... into jobs, into marriages, into having families) and so we have a lot more anxieties, especially with the constant warnings of problems besetting us now or soon - inflation, climate change, food shortages, etc. I think that's probably true, but what can we do about it? Just trust that God will provide what we need.

On a final note, I'm really glad that Z will be booking out in slightly less than 2 more days!!! Can't wait. The other day I was listening to Fleet Foxes and remembering how I silently melted inside when he sang Mykonos over Skype (so corny, but indie-ly so, at least). That's the kind of thing that makes separation so difficult, I think - many small things remind me of him, in direct or obscure ways, so that wherever I go, there is a reminder of what I'm missing.

Gravel

I desperately need a holiday. With Z, and involving beaches and/or historic arty cities where he can teach me about architecture and we can sit around having coffee or eating (we like eating).

I can't wait to go back to school. These days I find myself waking up and spending the day almost sick with a nostalgia for the old days (JC days - AC days) that I can't shake off. I want to be in that sheltered little cocoon again where we were so terribly busy with the most trivial of things that seemed like the most important of things (EE, IAs, CCAs). I feel that my feelings then were magnified and purer, in a way, that my happinesses were so much more intense and unadulterated (ha, pun), and the same for my sadnesses and my angers and even feelings of ennui, those were stronger and less lethargic. Now I find myself thrust in a world of dreariness where I am forced to grapple with grown-up issues (salary, driving, errands) and frankly, it sucks. I want to get back into the closed, somewhat safer walls of classrooms where I know what I've done and where I'm going. Clearly, university isn't going to be like those golden days of JC, but it's better than this. I only wish I could be going to school with Z again.

(Here, you may observe the effect of BMT 2 weeks in for someone who isn't actually in BMT.)

Clingfilm

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God

 --

Day 2 without Z, and Day 3 at my new job. Lots of adjustments to be made, to say the least.

The greatest thing Z did for me was to share with me a Love greater than either of us could possibly imagine. To say I miss him would be an understatement.

I'm thinking, now, that relationships involve so much intense emotion that I understand why my parents were/are so wary of me being in one. And yet I wouldn't change anything, because everything is worth it :)

Clams

Over the past 2 weeks I've been busy stressing out about driving, getting alternately excited/frightened about spending September 2012 - June 2013 (?) in a foreign country at what seems to be an amazing and super-challenging university, and spending all my possible free time with Z because he'll be in the army 2 days from now. We've done quite a few things in the past 2 weeks that we've always wanted to do but never did (or never did often enough) -

1. take a day trip to Kusu Island complete with picnic, a douchey monkey and deserted clean beaches
2. watch a barrage of superhero movies (Avengers fever is upon everyone, but it's also because I rarely watch movies and so am often pop-culture-dumb so Z is determined to bring me up to speed)
3. have kimuchi soup at the Sakae Sushi outlet where a couple of teachers spotted us hanging out and having sushi in the middle of IB exams (oops)
4. sleep in the middle of the day... a lot
5. go cycling at East Coast followed by a feast of bbq chicken wings and cold cheng tng
6. have delicious chocolate souffle + smores sundae at Max Brenner's!!
7. tried (shared) the KFC double down - heart attack on a plate, oh dear
8. watched a couple of ACSI rugby matches where I made minor progress in understanding the game and realized how much I miss school
9. and the list goes on

In between all of that I've managed to finish reading my Narnia series which was a really good decision in retrospect as I feel that each book has something special to say about Lewis' understanding of Jesus, and our place in His creation. I also spent a crazy afternoon in a dark room dancing to various loud and (in varying degrees) inappropriate songs with my fellow animal farmers A, A and J, which was a really fun experience. Also managed to spend some time with family, and the most exercise I've gotten for about a month was traipsing all over Orchard with Mom looking for a light, foldable, presentable, straddle-the-divide-between-formal-and-informal, versatile black bag which she could bring on her travels. Tall ask but we did manage to get something pretty good :)

Anyway, I spent today with Z (with an hour or so in between spent at the airport farewelling my brother as he flies off for WOW with his class - ah the memories) and in the evening went with him and C to the barber to get their army haircuts (read: shave all hair off). As a girl not having to go through NS, I can't say I can understand how they feel having to lose freedom and identity for 2 whole years, but I can definitely sympathize with them, and I actually felt really proud of them :P It may not have been that big a deal for them since they've both been bald for rugby before but I think there must still have been a degree of shock, even though they both still looked good bald! Hahaha and they were very brave about it :')

I guess sitting through the experience with them was when it really hit me that Z's going to be away for quite a while and even after he finishes his 3-week confinement period and his BMT, he's not going to be as free as he used to be and so we won't get those luxurious, lazy stretches of free time together any more. Then August will roll by and I'll probably be leaving for the US and I won't see him for months. And it really won't be easy, now that we've been a year together - his presence is one of the beats in the rhythm of my days, and not being together so often will probably throw me off balance quite a bit. Something will be missing, I know. I'm quite scared so I just have to keep praying and trusting that God will lead us both through the next couple of years in a way that's best for both of us. I guess distance can bring conflict and tension but also strength.

:')

I.
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were gifts you gave to the dark and the endless skies

II.
The first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move in my hands
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was then at my command
My love

III.
The first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last til the end of time
My love
The first time ever I saw your face

Italics

Blogger informs me that this is my 1000th post! Woohoo! *glitter and confetti*

Had a very long day - woke up to a lovely breakfast of pancakes, but had to struggle through the rain (and the obligatory lack-of-cabs-when-you-need-them phenomenon) to get to one-north to give English tuition. The session was alright, I suppose, and I see why so many of my peers are giving tuition for the sheer lucrative nature of it. I keep telling myself that I'm trying to get a variety of experiences though, even if it means tightening purse strings and skimping on meals and transport.

Case in point - today I went to the Singapore Island Country Club for the Princeton Alumni Welcome Gathering, and decided to take public transport so as to save $$$. So I took the long journey on 74 to Bukit Timah and then got off at the right stop and began the long trek in. To my dismay, there was no pedestrian pavement AT ALL, just a two-way road fringed with bushes and grass. Can't be helped, I thought, and just continued walking in cautiously and as quickly as possible, because every few moments there would come the humming of an engine and a car would whoosh by on that road. If you were lucky then it would be coming from the opposite direction so you'd know to stand extra-close to the edge of the road and watch the wheels go by inches from your toes, but if not then the car would come from behind and scare you out of your skin. It was not a good experience walking in.

Halfway through, though, I was fortunate enough to have a delivery truck pull up next to me and the driver asked if I wanted a lift to the country club. Advice about getting into strangers' cars flitted in my head for a moment but then I figured, ah, that road only leads to SICC anyway, so I got in and thanked the driver (a man from Myanmar who's been working in Singapore for 3 years as a deliveryman) profusely. So I got there without further incident, and the Princeton gathering was interesting, quite exciting, and everyone was decked out in orange and black and very nice and friendly and obviously very passionate about Princeton. Met the other admitted students from SG, which was nice.

Though the Princeton event itself was really enjoyable, the highlight of my day was actually the ride into Sime Rd on that delivery truck. Singaporeans often talk about how we need to "educate" foreign workers (especially the blue-collar ones) on Singapore culture, etiquette and being "gracious" - as if we were actually outstanding in these aspects! Slightly ironic, this incident today, no? I was very touched by the driver's kindness, and the fact that it was juxtaposed against the zooming past of several very expensive BMWs, Audis, Mercedes and other atas cars made it all the more poignant. I'm not expecting everyone who passes by to give pedestrians a lift, but I'm telling you, that small act meant a lot to me, and it made me reexamine my own notions about the "culture" that foreign workers bring to Singapore too.

So recently I've been receiving a lot of mail which is exciting to someone like me who hardly gets letters. Most of this is from Princeton, Cornell and NYU (and also from NUS and Yale-NUS last week), but there are a few rejection letters such as those from Harvard and Columbia and the one I got today from MAS politely telling me that they can't offer me a scholarship. My first instinct is always to throw the rejection letters into the bin (I'm not devastated about any of the rejections, which possibly shows that I'm sour grapes, or that I didn't want them that badly anyway :P) but today I was just thinking about it and going - nah. Those rejections are a part of my life as much as the acceptances are - they're paths that were closed off from me by God and I'm glad they're there. So I have next to me a letter from MOE offering me a Teaching Award (ya, Award, not Scholarship) which would require me to study at a Singaporean university and I can only smile and fill in the rejection form because I know - for sure - God does not want me on this path at this point in my life.

Another big envelope that came in the mail today was from Yale-NUS - and I tell you, the program is pretty exciting. I guess some would laugh and call me silly for choosing between Princeton and this new liberal arts college (with the Law double-degree, if I get it!) but to the daughter of someone from the pioneer batch of NTU students, it is a valid choice. I'm still pretty sure I'll end up in Princeton, but the Law double degree would be a serious contender. (I hope nobody from the Pton alumni is reading this hehe.) Anyhow I'm grateful for my options... and I'm somewhat of an indecisive person so bear with me for this month or so while I consider them.

I miss Z more and more each day. Sappy, but powerfully and truthfully so.

Wool

Finished The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and The Horse and His Boy. Very humbling, and thrilling experience, all at once. Bits I liked, and that taught me something:

From Book 2:

1. Clearly the main event in the story is the sacrifice of Aslan for the traitor Edmund, paralleling Jesus' sacrifice for us sinners. Something I noted was that Edmund was Judas Iscariot, Barrabas, and each of us all in one. So we are all sin-filled and unworthy, but the sacrifice that was made for us was perfect, and enduring. I don't really have much to say about the sacrifice - the act speaks for itself.

2. Lucy and Susan, when following Aslan to the Stone Table late at night, were blind followers just as many of Jesus' disciples did not know what was going to happen. They could only listen to his instructions but not fully understand. Again this theme comes up in my life as I constantly struggle with worries about the future and especially money-issues with regard to Princeton... like Rev Lim said in his Palm Sunday sermon a few weeks back, sometimes we have to just blindly follow step-by-step without a clear picture of the road ahead, but trust that God works for good, and for his glory.

3. The animals' opinions on Aslan were endearing and acute. "Safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." and how the Talking Lion was so pleased that Aslan said "Us lions" with "no stand-offishness"; God is to be both feared and loved. And He loves us.

From Book 3:

1. Interestingly this is set in Calormen and then Archenland, so we find ourselves dealing with people who are not (originally) from Narnia and therefore unknowing of Aslan. I suppose some of it may seem rather discriminatory in its treatment of others/outsiders but then remember that Aravis is a Calormene and still a heroine in this story, and Aslan's love is not at all withheld from her.

2. Aravis gets 10 deep long scratches on her back from Aslan to mirror the 10 lashings her servant maid got because of her running away. This is a subtle point that works wonders to tell us that each of us has to be held accountable for our actions and God will be our final judge.

3. Aslan follows Shasta quietly and works behind all the strange events that drive the story - chasing them to the Hermit's dwelling, accompanying Shasta as a cat in the dark quiet Tombs, scaring away the jackals as Shasta slept... All this is unknown to Shasta as it happens but it is revealed in the end, as part of Shasta's story. God works in mysterious ways.

4. In the judgment of Prince Rabadash, Aslan neither kills him nor lets him go scot-free but instead turns him into a donkey, and interestingly, "You have appealed to Tash... and in the temple of Tash you shall be healed". This bit is v interesting to me - I'm still figuring it out.

5. Bree, fearful of what Narnian talking horses might think of him (rolling in grass, having a raggedy tail, and being an outsider for most of his life), reminds me a lot of myself.

--

In other news, I've been admitted to Yale-NUS College :) Praise God! Though it's unlikely I'll take up the offer (still waiting for NUS Law to get back to me - the double degree is hugely tempting but at this point I seem to have made up my mind already), I'm really glad for the options.

It's been a strange week, being so free. But I still had driving (ugh) and various appointments here and there to keep me occupied so I guess I've been getting by! I only wish I didn't have driving to worry about. It seems like I'll never be able to master it!!! HOW does everyone on the road manage to do it??? Meh :(

Can't wait for my bb to be back from New York!!! Meep :( It's been long enough away from him already :( (How am I ever gonna survive 2 years of university-enforced separation :()