How you found me out,
Kar Min, 1993: Dreamer & cynic.
Not much, but trying to be more.
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I'll still never understand.
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Thoughts you can't take with you


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Credits
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Little Flowers - Denison Witmer
#34 completed 2109 2009
d-autumnrain.blogspot.com since 0506 2005.

Thursday, December 17, 2009
Blister


I feel like I need to rescue all my friendships before they disintegrate. You know how they always say that people need to grow together? I think I'm growing in a completely different direction from everyone else. It sucks. (for lack of a better phrase). The past two years have impacted me hugely, I think, and turned me into someone else. I like who I am but I don't like the fact that relationships with other people now are so different, so unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

Also, I hate it when my parents argue. Or when they just partake in a tense, cold conversation, which is sometimes worse. It's not like they do it all that often but recently it has become unbearably frequent and I am stuck in the middle trying to mediate (which I never used to want to do, dammit), but I am afraid of causing even more friction. My parents actually have highly opposite personalities and that creates problems where decision-making is concerned, I guess. The thing is that so many of these decisions are so tiny and so ridiculously mundane that when I step back and think about them I actually feel like laughing, outright, in the middle of one of those thick, frigid silences that have occurred more and more nowadays.

I have been chastised multiple times today by people who tell me that I overplan and overthink. Maybe I do but for me time just seems so short and if I don't plan I might end up letting life just pass me by. I do not want to spend emotion and effort regretting missed opportunities and lost time. There is a lot I want to do in the years to come and I will not let any sloppiness or sloth on my part get in the way of that.

It's disgusting the way I'm so hell bent on living my life the way I want to but, as most of you should know, I'm not content to be the passive person sitting in the corner and letting fate/God/luck/powerful people/circumstances/Life decide what is going to happen to me. I want to be what happens to people, no matter how awkward or creepy that phrase sounds. If you know me at all you should know what I mean.

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