Xylophone

I am in yet another slough of sorts, stuck at crossroads and floundering in a sea of indecision/doubt/angst. (In other words, it's happening again!)

Lectures have been somewhat painful, which surprises and annoys me a bit because I am supposed to take joy in learning and discovery, right? I just haven't been connecting much with stuff that's going on, and I've been immensely tired for no particular reason, so.

Training today was full of drama, and to be honest I have no idea where the next 2 months will lead - I don't have high hopes for this year anyway, since I just started training in mid December, so we'll just see how it goes. Track is not a huge priority anyway, and contrary to popular belief I don't train all the time, just when I do have free time (and that's most days, these days).

I get annoyed at people who say I don't have "a life", because honestly, I do have one, just one that isn't the same as everyone else's. And I'm happy doing what I'm doing, filling my days with activities (not always pleasant, but always useful, I hope) and having space for myself in the end, time to think and read and to be alone. I do value my friends but at the same time it's not my desire to be socially all over the place. More trouble than it's worth, I think.

In the past few days I have finished God, by James Byrne, How to cure a fanatic by Amos Oz, and Art of Travel by Alain de Botton (one of our Part 4 texts, so I guess it doesn't really count). God was a really good book, made me reconsider my notions of "God" and actually made me really consider for a while the significance of a world not imbued with spiritual (superfluous?) meaning. The Oz book was much-touted but was actually rather forgettable, Edward Said is much more persuasive than him, heh! Art of Travel was interesting and I liked the concept of the book - his essays, weaved together with the views of long gone greats, and the pretty (black and white, but still!) pictures and paintings that appeared frequently within the pages of that sky-blue volume. That book is easily one of the prettiest lit texts I've ever studied. I liked De Botton's language and style, but I really don't know how it could be studied as a literary work - it is, after all, nothing like anything I've ever studied. For one, it's non-fiction! Oh well, I suppose I'll find out in due course : )

Am currently on Beginning Theory, which is a pretty marvellous introduction to critical theory with just the right dose of breadth and depth for a complete n00b like me, and for which I have to thank Ms N! It's been interesting finally getting to know exactly what formerly vague and fluffy concepts like structuralism and post-structuralism and postmodernism actually refer to. And I haven't even gotten to the juicier bits - queer theory and ecocriticism, anyone? : D

I actually think I'm leaning towards a postcolonial stance on many aspects of history and culture, especially that of the East. I have a nagging suspicion it's because of the way I was raised - my parents, while mostly holding liberal views, also often talked about how Western imperialism killed more than just people in colonial days. It also killed culture, is killing culture now, and I grew up very sensitive to situations where one people exerts unnatural influence over another. Perhaps that's also why the Israel-Palestine conflict interests me so much.

I foresee myself not blogging as regularly as before in the months to come, so - bear with it, please? I feel like I really need a break from people now :/

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My main dilemma now is, really, English or History EE? I've had some experience with both (history more than lit) and am fairly confident for both (I will risk saying that, ha ha ha), and have strong interests in both, and have kind-of-semi-pseudo-firmed-up ideas for topics for both. Ahhh lack of focus!!! Also, lack of faith, and lack of decision-making skills. Well, what's new?