With A Solemn Pop, I say goodbye

So this is the first post since I've gotten back, and needless to say New Zealand was fun - time in the campervan, long hikes including the Tongariro Alpine Crossing which we did in 6 hours and in which we experienced scorching sun, cold rain and even tiny hailstones in quick succession, walking around in Auckland, having some really good fish&chips and of course the gorgeous scenery. It's amazing how much geographical diversity there is - we saw a fiord, a glacier, geothermal parks, mountains, ocean, lakes, volcanoes, waterfalls... and the way they integrate nature and wildlife with tourism is really quite amazing. I love how friendly their birds are!!! HAHA and the people are so friendly it's very pleasant to go driving around.

I had fun but was also glad to be back because of a number of things - things to be done here, finally meeting Z after 34 days apart, catching up with friends who, because of the lack of school, all seem to have fallen off the grid, and also I was glad to be back to $3 hawker centre food instead of the $20+ that you have to pay almost everywhere. So I'm back, and I've been suitably busy with books (borrowed 9 from the library the other day in a fit of madness), gatherings/meetups, driving theory nonsense, and applications. And the related woes.

There's a kind of depressed ennui that's fallen on me these days, and I have a couple of theories as to why this is so, but I doubt thinking about it will lead to anything more productive than wallowing. I'm reading Gogol's Dead Souls now which doesn't quite help but I've grown to be quite particular about finishing one book before I start another so, I need to persevere. Coe's The Accidental Woman looked promising initially but finished rather emptily, whether by authorial intent or otherwise, but it didn't help my emotional state because I find myself identifying sporadically with Maria's accidentalness, how everything in life seems to just happen and I drift through all of it, but I know deep inside that I'm actually just being silly and that is not the case. The rather funny thing is that "accidentalness" actually implies having a Creator, though it seems counterintuitive initially. And I doubt people understand what I'm saying at this point so, I'll leave it at that hahaha.

Recent events have made me question, like, the nature of my self and who I am and what I want to do with life and the thing is, I have no clue... the future is blanker now than it has ever been and that would be liberating IF there weren't all sorts of expectations and perceptions placed on me by other people. Of course I know I shouldn't be bothering about what other people think but then I think one of my great weaknesses is an overt self-consciousness that amalgamates into my insecurities to make me one giant mess sometimes.

And here I was saying that I wouldn't wallow. Okay, I shan't.

The last day of the year generally calls for a customary 2011 review and I want to do it but don't have the heart for it at the same time - so I shall make it quick. 2011 was a good year. I found God (or rather, God found me? thats a can of worms which reminds me of that bit of Romans 8) and I found Z and I was academically inspired, especially by history and the two Mr Cs. IB was tough - I still look back on it with a strange mix of exhaustion and nostalgia and indulgent pride - but completely worth it. As the year tapered to a close I became very reluctant to leave it, as I suppose is the general pattern with most years, but this year it was all the more intense because my 2012 could go in all manner of directions and I'm afraid BUT knowing I shouldn't be because God will take care of me.

The band of 2011 was without a doubt The National because of The Geese of Beverly Road but also Sorrow and Lemonworld and like basically everything they've ever written. And their slow self-deprecating melancholy was perfect for this year of turning 18, becoming older and younger at the same time, turbulent and self-consciously melodramatic and aching and raw. They're really my soundtrack to the year, cheesy as it sounds.

Yes, 2011's been nothing like I ever experienced, or expected, and I wouldn't change anything... I'm glad it happened to me. I've been through a bit (it's not much, but in my little teenage head, yeah it's a bit) and I'm glad but it also leaves me with some melancholy to say goodbye to the familiar, with all its joys and sorrows.

And yet I don't think that I'm ever saying goodbye to it... honestly, nothing makes New Year's Day intrinsically different from any other day so, my life in 2011 will always be with me in memory and spirit and I am trying to make this sound as un-corny and un-cliched as possible but yeah, bring it on 2012, I'll take whatever you throw at me. You're different but then you're also the same.